The Chump Lady Survival Guide to Infidelity: How to Regain Your Sanity After You've Been Cheated On

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I can’t even pinpoint exactly how he communicated his disappointment in me. He was really so good at being subtle about it. But yes, the house was never clean enough, meals never fancy enough, sex never frequent enough or with enough variety. His less successful attempts to undermine me were when he would tell me stories of his patients who never had to change a diaper, and blah blah blah. At least I could see through those and I would actually protest and say that’s nice for them. But I guess even those still made me feel shitty like I wasn’t doing as much as some other women out there. Like I’m this big meanie drag of a woman who expects too much from her man. When the reverse is what was actually happening. I am obviously a flawed human. So you see, she had to cheat, but… it’s true “two wrongs don’t make a right” (this is how she would end listing my flaws as an explanation for cheating: “two wrongs don’t make a right”. How’s that for manipulative?). He grew up in a broken household where XFIL was a serial cheater and frequently gone, and XMIL was a basket case and frequently abusive (both physically and emotionally). XH often told me when we were dating that I was a “dream come true”– a beautiful girl from a stable family – everything he always wanted. Who knew he was lying? I certainly didn’t. Emotionally, he was EXTREMELY high maintenance. If I didn’t tell him EVERY DAY how smart, wonderful, and amazing he was, he pouted. We waited 11 years to have kids (to get him through grad school and post doc), but he left 100% of the parenting to me, and then became jealous by the amount of time and energy I spent on the children (because I had NO HELP).

I saw a bunch of those “friends” at my stbx’s funeral (we never did get divorced, as he died before our trial). They all acted friendly toward me just as they had all along. I behaved with dignity and composure, and was civil to everyone, but I would never willingly be closely involved with any of them again. In the last 2 months, I’ve noticed a huge change in him. He has lost the attitude of entitlement, become appreciative and affectionate towards me, and expressed what appears to be true remorse for some of his behavior. Yet he still cannot manage to simply tell the truth about what he’s done over these past 14 years.Initiative. Real remorse books its own shrink appointments. Real remorse does the homework. Real remorse does not need to be cajoled, wheedled, or dragged by its ear. Real remorse buys the books and reads the books. GINR waits for you to do it, and then finds a very good reason to be too busy.

XH used to say, “You want to know about ME? Wow! My favorite subject!” But he’d say it in such a charming manner, everyone would laugh, including me. He’s a Southern boy – just like his father – and charm (and BS!) runs in his veins. Yes, the fact that he said that stuff to the assistant (if that was all in fact that had even happened) does not bode well for his wife. I’m not even saying the fact that he was willing to bow to her wishes in any way guarantees something similar (or worse) won’t happen in the future. Well that nicer older GINR Volvo ended up costing me about 5 Grand so far, and the minute I started having problems with it, about a month after getting it he washed his hands of it. And now it’s finally died and I had to pay to get it towed and I’M SO PISSED that I’m still paying for his arrogant mistakes and I need transportation! But he would have never made that decision without months and possibly years of coercion. Of being worn down to nothing. Maybe she even got him into debt, who knows. I’m almost certain she isolated him or ensured he isolated himself. Image management strikes again. And stop saying you loved her husband. Slap that lie out of your mouth. If you loved him you wouldn’t have just sat and watched him be abused to the point he killed himself. This is the shit my disgusting “friends” tried to say about me. That’s not love. If that’s love to you, then you’re a monster who isn’t capable of love and can’t even understand what love is. So which is it? Are you a liar or a monster? Because it’s one of those things. Don’t disrespect the dead man even more by pretending you gave a shit about him. You did not.If I had found out when my fw and his exit whore started their adultery; I may not even have left yet as my son was still young (about 12 or so) and I was not a large wage earner. One thing I know I would have done was amped up my college classes and likely started working full time a couple years earlier. I may not even have told my fw I suspected or knew. Patience. Real remorse understands that repairing a relationship after infidelity is a long haul with dubious prospects. GINR wants to you to “get over it” already because hey, it said it was sorry. I am a fellow chump who 4 years ago was betrayed, gaslighted, emotionally abused, on and on, by my partner of 8 years. He cheated with a married coworker and I was devastated, traumatized and Chump Nation was my savior.

Thank you, CL – once again you have succinctly stated what I’ve been struggling to put into words. When my STBX was stumbling around reconciliation, I kept saying to him, “You can’t just say you’re sorry like I’m someone you bumped into on a bus,” and, “I need to see remorse — regret and remorse are two different things.” All I got was the classic, “Well, I said I was sorry. I don’t know what more you want from me.” I am happily flawed. And I didn’t cheat, and I would have a hard time living with myself if I did that to somebody, and that’s probably a flaw too . I don’t think that lightens the tragedy, I think people need to know how bad it is and how bad it can get. The actual reality of abusing one’s partner this way instead of just giggling about taboo sex. I thank you for sharing your story, people need to know how bad it is.

Your friend has surrounded herself with ‘yes’ people and has proven time and time again that she has no conscience. She is not a friend to you, she’s barely human. You need to extricate yourself from this horror FOR YOUR SAFETY.

If I was aware someone was being abused by another, I would absolutely share that information with that spouse. He had a right to know. (I sure would have wanted some brave person with a moral compass to tell me, would have given me hope for the world.) Nwrain – I had another academic wife tell me that universities were one of the few “good old boy” institutions left where women willing dropped trou to get ahead. I think I would start with my own story as a betrayed, then ease in to it. Fact is for at least a while we would likely lose their friendship.He wanted a woman like that! First off because it showed that he must be ‘good’, to get someone like that. Secondly because I could take care of so much! Raise the kids, probably 80% of the time and energy that takes, take care of 90% of household admin and 80% of the housework, work hard and make good money, AND support him through job challenges, further education while working full-time, etc. Understanding about the guilt and shame actually made me MORE of a chump!!! Because I thought, fool that I was, that you could love a person enough and support them enough for them to be able to grow and learn to deal in a healthier way w/the guilt and shame. And I assumed that he actually did feel bad, but couldn’t apologize properly because he felt overwhelmed by the shame. And I tried, Lord, how I tried, to get him to tell me what he wanted out of life, marriage, work, you name it. He not only lied to me about it, he lied to his therapist. I mean, this guy had, at one point, 3 women propping him up: wife, mistress, therapist. He said, “but we were really happy then, right?” When he left he whined that “you wouldn’t help me. [Slut] is nice to me. She gives me all the time in the world.” This “friend” is what my 20-something son would can a dumpster fire. She lies about the circumstances and is trying to play the victim. You had an emotional investment there that is now shattered. I wouldn’t give my support here, but yes, she needs to make her own decisions. That would be all that I would say if someone was wanting me involved.