Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

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Diamond, L. M. (2008). Sexual fluidity: Understanding women’s love and desire. Harvard University Press. Das ganze Buch liest sich auch sehr flüssig und spannend und hat gar keine Ähnlichkeit zu so manch verstaubten Sachbüchern. Blumer, M. L. C., & Murphy, M. J. (2011). Alaskan gay males’ couple experiences of societal non-support: Coping through families of choice and therapeutic means. Contemporary Family Therapy, 33(3), 273–290. Final words here - along with some commonly asked questions. The question of "how many partners can I have" is one that you will have heard if you've spent any time at all in NM/polyamorous circles, and here it is discussed as not a limitation of love, but one of time and energy and resources. One of the biggest takeaways I had personally from this chapter was the discussion of "taking a break" with one or more partners, to focus on another relationship that is either struggling or under duress of some kind. Fern breaks down several scenarios that often occur when people try to implement this idea, and includes some suggestions for how to make it more fair and ethical to all parties involved - while she cautions against the idea in general. She includes some written material from people who have been through this particular situation for one reason or another, and the additional perspective is definitely helpful. The biggest hurdle of the book is getting through the first half. Fern has set a big task for herself and she has to cover a lot of starting-off ground before we can get to the meat of it. She has to make sure her reader understands Attachment Theory and then she has to make sure her reader understands Consensual Nonmonogamy. If you are already familiar, these sections are easy to skim.

Krahé, C., et al. (2018). Sensitivity to CT-optimal, affective touch depends on adult attachment style. Scientific Reports, 8(1), 1–10. I'm not saying attachment theory is 'the way', but (along with other approaches to conceptualising people's behaviours and needs within interpersonal relationships of any kind) I think it's an interesting way to look at things that can give insights, especially into how anothers reactions and/or responses might differ dramatically from your own. Our boundaries are the ways we protect ourselves physically, mentally and emotionally. They are how we establish our sovereignty, as well as how we open ourselves to others. Our boundaries are the meeting point between ourselves and another - the point at which we can be both separate and connected." Four stars, adding a half because of the final section on secure attachment with Self, and rounding up to five because so much of it hit home so aptly. Much of this is material I know; but like all such, I just need to be reminded sometimes, or to see things a different way. And the clincher: I finished the book, and am writing this, one day after performing my every-year-or-two psychedelic tune-up, this time a solo ritual in the mountains with the intention (chosen months before even starting this book) of exploring my self-love. The final sections, which I read today, are giving me tools to work with. Repair attempts are much more successful when there is a pre-existing relationship culture of understanding each other, expressing gratitude and regularly doing nice things for each other, which supports the relationship in being better able to withstand the inevitable storms."Attachment theory has entered the mainstream, but most discussions focus on how we can cultivate secure monogamous relationships. What if, like many people, you’re striving for secure, happy attachments with more than one partner?

Our attachment figures might be the people we feel levels of connection, compatibility or intensity with right from the start for reasons that we just can't explain, or they may be the people with whom our romantic attachments have organically grown in potency and depth over time."

How to cultivate attachment

Possibly because it's the middle of the pandemic, and my reading brain isn't as sharp, but the beginning chapters of the book were a little dry and hard for me to get into. However, the middle and ending were both more readable, and helpful. I won’t give away the secrets of Fern’s book in this review, but I will say the roadmap she offers for cultivating secure attachment with multiple partners is extremely helpful, and perhaps even revolutionary. At the end of the book, she stresses that people pursuing such relationships must, above all, earn a secure attachment with their own selves. While there have been several landmark books on polyamory, such as The Ethical Slut and More Than Two, and while there have been books on using trauma and attachment theory to understand how to navigate a wide range of interpersonal relationships, including different types of monogamous relationships, there have not been books using trauma and attachment theory to navigate having multiple partners. alot of people in spaces I was moving thru seemed to be reading and raving about it, and I got abit wary (often my way when anything seems to have alot of hype)...

Bairstow, A. (2017). Couples exploring nonmonogamy: Guidelines for therapists. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 43(4), 343–353. Polysecure skilfully dives into attachment styles through the lens of trauma, as a reflective practice to understand our needs, motivations, and behaviours, in relation to ourselves and potential or current non-monogamous practices. It is a compulsively readable and accessible, while being short and concise. Jessica Fern is a psychotherapist who works with non-monogamous clients and who practices non-monogamy herself, and she brings a wealth of experience that is both rich in theory and applicable in practice. Barker, M. (2011). Monogamies and non-monogamies: A response to “The challenge of monogamy: Bringing it out of the closet and into the treatment room” by Marianne Brandon. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 26(3), 281–287. Schmitt, D. P., et al. (2004). Patterns and universals of adult romantic attachment across 62 cultural regions: Are models of self and of other pancultural constructs? Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 35(4), 367–402. We work with a network of global supply partners that allow us to offer best value on a wide range of quality products.Van Ijzendoorn, M. H., et al. (1992). The multiple caregiver paradox: data from Holland and Israel. New Directions for Child Development, 57, 5–27. I skipped the chapters on non-monogamy, not cos I think I haven't anything to learn, but based on my friends evaluation, a couple decades experience navigating non-monogamies, and my current priorities... Fairbrother, N., Hart, T. A., & Fairbrother, M. (2019). Open relationship prevalence, characteristics, and correlates in a nationally representative sample of canadian adults. The Journal of Sex Research, 56(6), 695–704. Jessica Fern geht sehr wissenschaftlich vor (LOVE IT!). Erst erklärt sie Bowlbys Bindungstypen - da musste ich bereits weinen, weil das zu viel Reflexion über eigene Kindheitstraumata auf einmal war (hat sich aber gelohnt). Erst nach der Hälfte des Buches kommt es zum Thema Polyamorie und welche Probleme die jeweiligen Bindungstypen evtl. in zwischenmenschlichen Beziehungen haben können. Zwischendurch gibt es auch immer Selbstreflexionsfragen, die man auch gut mit Partner*in gemeinsam beantworten kann. Als letztes werden noch einige Methoden vorgestellt, wie man seine Bindungen stärken kann.

Ka, W. L., Bottcher, S., & Walker, B. R. (2020). Attitudes toward consensual non-monogamy predicted by sociosexual behavior and avoidant attachment. Current Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-020-00941-8 There are several reasons I love this book. It is divided into thirds, and I find myself recommending the first third to anyone that has relationships (which is everyone), because it discusses attachment theory in a beautifully accessible manner. Her explanation avoids overly scientific jargon and gives a succinct but thorough overview of how attachment, both secure and insecure, looks in children, but takes it a step further and provides information as to how the four attachment styles can manifest in adults. She also includes several helpful charts and graphs that give a lovely visual description of attachment styles that so many of my polyam clients (and monogamous clients!) have found helpful. This book is worth reading for the first section alone--understanding your attachment style is key to moving toward healthy and securely attached relationships and friendships. Garner, C., Person, M., Goddard, C., Patridge, A., & Bixby, T. (2019). Satisfaction in consensual nonmonogamy. The Family Journal: Counseling and Therapy for Couples and Families, 27(2), 115–121.Bretherton, I. (1985). Attachment theory: Retrospect and prospect. In I. Bretherton & E. Waters (Eds.), Growing points of attachment theory and research. Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development, 50(1–2, Serial No. 209), 3–35. Monogamy can buffer us from our own personal insecurities. These may or may not be attachment based, but can be rooted in relational or cultural traumas and anxieties about our achievements, looks, intellectual abilities, likability, etc. When we commit to a longterm monogamous partnership or get married, these insecurities may still show up now and again, but many of them get eclipsed by the very fact that we have someone who has devoted themselves to us, someone who we think will love us and stay with us no matter how pimply our butt gets, no matter how much our body changes or no matter how stained and worn-out our underwear becomes. In such cases our self-esteem and sense of self-worth are contingent upon our partner being monogamously committed to us instead of anchored in our own internal sense of self-worth, self-love and self esteem." Mitchell, M. E., Bartholomew, K., & Cobb, R. J. (2014). Need fulfillment in polyamorous relationships. Journal of Sex Research, 51(3), 329–339. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2012.742998 Book Genre: Health, LGBT, Mental Health, Nonfiction, Polyamory, Psychology, Queer, Relationships, Self Help, Sexuality